Dealing With a Chronic Illness

     I haven't posted for a few days because I've been dealing with a number of things. I've been ill, mostly with head stuff, and it's been difficult to even look at my laptop because of migraines.  I think I may be having problems with my polycythemia again, but I really don't want to go into the doctor's right now.  I know it sounds weird, but you get to the point that you just don't want to see them anymore. At any rate, this quote really hit me because it's so true.  Even the people closest to you who truly see what you are going through become numb or desensitized to your daily struggle, and the end result is a lack of understanding.  People's expectations can become crushing weights that mire your soul in a pit of despair, depression, and a general sense of self-worthlessness.  If you know somebody with a chronic illness, no matter how well they seem to be doing, tell them you love them, and you're proud of how much they do.  It can mean the world of difference to a person who is suffering in their private world of purgatory, all alone.

My beliefs

     My beliefs affect everything I do.  I'm sure most of you noticed that I don't swear.  I don't write or read sexually explicit things.  My books have a noticeable amount of violence, but I try to tone even that down.  I think that those things are a part of normal life, especially in today's times, but I try not to make them a part of my life.  I don't think I'm in the minority in this either.  Internet, television, literature, and everyday culture seems to be pushing us to accept these undesirable habits as normal, and in some cases, healthy.  I don't believe they are.

     I think most people are uncomfortable around particularly vulgar language.  Even people that swear regularly feel self-conscious about it around children or the elderly.  I think most people are uncomfortable with nudity in movies and tv shows, especially depending on who else is in the room.  I think most people have good values of family and friends.  Most people want to shelter their children from the harsh realities of the world.  Most people want to live good lives.

     I normally wouldn't bring any of this up, but today is a Bio day for my blog; a day for me to share what is going on in my life, and in my personal life it's a special day.  Every 6 months the leaders of my faith give a general conference for all of the members of the church worldwide.  Today, they had the opening session of this general conference (the first of 4 sessions), and I sat and listened to it with my wife and children via the internet.  The last speaker, Elder L. Tom Perry, spoke about a conference held with most of the major religions of the world.  He spoke of the commonality that we all had in the desire to maintain family as a focal point of our existences.  The talk may have offended a lot of the radicals and minorities out there, but the message I heard was that there are a lot of other people out there that want their kids to have values which the media are constantly trying to undermine.  The media wants us to believe that casual sex, vulgarity, violence, and a general sense of irreverence is the norm in today's society.  In reality, that is the voice of the minority yelling so loudly that most of us are left feeling like we are out-dated in our beliefs, and in the minority.  You are in the majority if you want a spouse and kids, and live a normal, happy life.

     I will remain true to my beliefs.  You will never find vulgarity, sex, or any of those things in my writing.  I will always warn others of those things in the books I review.  I will always recommend good books which hold relatively good values and messages.

     For those of you interested, I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Some refer to us as the "Mormons" because we use a set of scriptures called The Book of Mormon along with the Bible.  Some refer to us as L.D.S. (Latter-day Saints).  Either appellation is acceptable.

     We are a Christian faith.  There have been several religions which have broken off from the church who have sullied the name.  Because of these groups, many think we are a cult, or practice weird things.  We don't.  We a Christians.  We believe in, teach, and follow the principles of the Bible.  We also have a set of scriptures from another group of the tribes of Israel; their writings were compiled by a prophet called Mormon, so we call the book The Book of Mormon.  We also believe that God continues to call prophets today to counsel us with problems we face in today's world.  The first prophet he called since the death of Jesus and His disciples was the prophet Joseph Smith.  We don't worship Joseph Smith anymore than we would worship Moses or Abraham.  He was just a prophet called, like those in the Bible times, to teach people about God.  Joseph gave us prophecies just like the old ones in the Bible or Book of Mormon.  These newer scriptures are found in the Doctrine and Covenants.  Joseph also received scriptures lost to time and multiple translations of the Bible, and these restored scriptures are found in The Pearl of Great Price.  There have been 15 prophets since Joseph Smith, and each one of them has passed down messages from God, just like He has done from the beginning of time.  It always amazes me when people think this is weird.  Why would God suddenly stop speaking to us?  Why would he suddenly stop calling prophets?  At any rate, these general conferences are when these prophets address the world formally.  You can listen to them live online through this link here.  Just click the "watch general conference live" link.

     I've  personally read the Bible (both old and new testaments), The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants, The Pearl of Great Price, the Torah, and the Qur'an.  I've been to the worship meetings of literally hundreds of different religions and sects.  I love learning about God.  I love teaching what I've learned.  The links I've shared have all the answers, but I'd be glad to answer any questions anyone might have.  I am not, however, interested in fighting with people who want to attack any religion.  I believe that most are good, and I gained that belief through personal study and visits.  Chances are, I've been to your church/religion.  Don't judge mine, or anyone else's until you can say the same.

     People are good.  Don't feel like your beliefs are out-dated.  Don't feel like you are in the minority.  The media represents the minority, but speaks loud enough for everyone to hear, and then shames those who speak out against it.  There are over 7 billion people on the planet, and almost all of them are trying to live good, chaste, virtuous, happy lives.  The horrible things you see on the news, and read in the paper, are the most horrific things the newspapers can find.  They want to shock you so that you'll read/watch.  If those things were truly commonplace, they wouldn't get your attention, and get you to buy the paper/watch the news.

     God has a plan for us.  It is centered around the family.  If you are unhappy, scared, confused, lost, lonely, or just feel like something is missing in your life there are answers.  My life has trials,  everyone's does, but I know where I came from.  I know why I'm here.  I know where I'm going after this life.  I even know why we suffer some of the horrible things we have to pass through in this life.  There is a very simple plan which God has laid out for all of his children.  You have a purpose.  Your life holds meaning.  Your suffering is not in vain, nor does it go unnoticed.   Look around on the church's website and you'll find the answers to most of your questions.  There are also missionaries who can come and talk to you personally, no matter where you live, if you want answers.  I would also be glad to help anyone out who feels like something is missing in life.  My beliefs have carried me through many life-threatening moments.  They've also helped me through challenges I haven't begun to share on this, or any other, forum.  There is great comfort in knowing the "why" in life.

Ups and Downs

     This week's been full of ups and downs.  As the old year went out, and the new came in, I spent a lot of time reflecting on life.  There are so many things I would have liked to accomplish, but didn't.  There are so many things I would like to accomplish this year, but I feel overwhelmed even thinking about them all at once.  

     There is so much in life to accomplish.  There are limitless possibilities in life.  Sometimes it feels like those possibilities become more limited as we grow up.  That leads to frustration, and a feeling of incompleteness.  That's what I was experiencing last week, and earlier this week.  

     From the time I was 5, I wanted to be a doctor.  I know that a lot of kids want to be doctors and lawyers and astronauts and all that when they grow up, but I really, truly, wanted to be a doctor.  I never grew out of it.  I think it first started when my grandfather died during a heart operation.  I was little, and I remember thinking that grandpa was invincible.  He was a slender, healthy man.  My grandparents on the other side were overweight, and we (being innocent little kids) would call them fat grandma and grandpa, and skinny grandma and grandpa.  It sounds horrible now, but back then, it was just what we called them, and they didn't seem to mind (at least not to a 5 y/o's sensibility).  Well, the grandpa that died was the "skinny" grandpa.  He had a heart attack, and we went to see him in the hospital before his operation.  Everyone was crying, and I wondered why because he looked perfectly fine.  He died on the operating table.  I remember thinking that I wished I could do something about it.  I must have said something to my parents because they told me I should be a doctor, then I could.  So I decided I wanted to be a doctor.

     My "fat" grandma died of cancer when I was a teenager.  I remember going to the library and looking up things about cancer.  I tried learning things so that I could help her.  I was still young, and couldn't do much to stop the inevitable. 

     When I started high school, I had my whole life planned.  I took advanced Chemistry, Biology, Math, and even English classes.  I even did an externship my senior year, and graduated high school with 52 college credits, and an applied science degree as a medical assistant.  Now days, that doesn't mean much (I don't think they even require anything to be an M.A. anymore, but I could be wrong), but back then it was a competitive field.

     I worked for a few doctors, and then I served an L.D.S. mission in Brazil.  By this point I was certain I wanted to work with cancer patients.  I would bore my missionary companions about all of the ideas I had about treating cancer patients.  I got to use a bit of my medical experience in Brazil when I became the Assistant to the President, and I was partially responsible for the well-being of the 254 young men and women serving missions in our area.

     When I got home from Brazil, life happened.  My girlfriend, now wife, was waiting for me, and we got married just 2 months after I returned.  I came home on a Wednesday, went looking for jobs Friday, and started working the following week as a salesman so that I could afford a ring.  I did fairly well as a salesman.  I worked for Qwest (the old local phone company) and did so well that they invited me to their corporate offices in Denver to share my "secrets of success" with them.  They turned me into a traveling sales rep. to teach their other offices what I was doing.  They paid me a lot of money.  I got distracted from my goal.

     When I got tired of traveling, I quit.  I wanted to get back on track.  The only problem was that we had bought a house based on my large salary with Qwest.  I had to stay in sales to keep up our life-style, and it still wasn't enough.  On top of that, the sales hours were horrendous, and I still couldn't do school.  

     It was about this time that my health issues began to become a problem.  I had started vomiting almost every day, and had all sorts of other digestive issues.  I was going to doctors almost non-stop.  It was about this time that my wife and I decided it was time for me to really get back on track.  I quit my job to do school full-time and she went back to work.  I was looking for a fast way to catch up on lost time, and found a computer programming school that would give me a 4-year degree in 2 because we did like 21-27 credit hours every trimester.  I figured that the computer skills would be good, and convinced myself that medical schools would like the diversity when considering me when I applied.

     My health took a turn for the worst, and I eventually had to quit the chaotic schedule of so many credit hours at once.  I don't know if the stress, lack of sleep, or other issues that accompany school, made my illness worse, or if it was just the progressive aspect of the disease, but I was terribly ill when I quit.  I had to go back to sales, and worked for an inbound sales company which allowed me to work from home.  I had my first seizure shortly thereafter.  

     After the seizures started, I had troubles concentrating, and began to forget things easily.  The other issues with my digestive system got worse, and I was slowly wasting away.  Within a couple of years I was bedridden.  The nausea and throwing up got so bad that I couldn't even do the phone job at home.  The doctors didn't think I'd make it.  My blood was so thick that I had a couple of mini-strokes.

     Instead of becoming a doctor, I became a patient.  I was devastated.  I began to feel worthless, and stopped dreaming about the future.  I even became suicidal.  My wife helped me through those rough years, and helped me to start writing.  It was my second most favorite thing to do.  

     I wrote Dragon Sight while I was sick.  I have it as the second book in my series, but I actually wrote it first.  Cal, my protagonist, is blind.  I basically expressed what I was feeling through his interactions with the world, and his frustrations over his handicap.  I had dreams, and felt like there was something special inside of me that I no longer had access to.  Cal has a hidden power within, but he can't control it.  In his mind, he is just a worthless blind boy.  That was how I felt back then.

     A lot of things have changed from then to now.  We moved to a lower elevation to help with my thick blood.  I got on the right meds, totally changed my eating and sleeping habits, and through a combination of holistic and medical help I've returned to a somewhat normal, if limited, lifestyle.  I still can't do most of what I want, but I'm no longer bedridden.

     I wrote my second book as I was recovering.  Dragon Warrior was about my inner strength returning.  Apoc, my second protagonist, is almost flawless.  He does everything right.  He never lets anyone down.  He's decisive, driven, and pretty much fantastic.  He's who I want to be - who I feel I am inside.

     So, as I'm looking at 2015, I'm wondering what I want to do with my life, now.  Am I stuck as Cal, or can I move on and be Apoc?  

     I can't be a doctor.  I get tired after going grocery shopping, so I would never have the energy for all of the running around doctors do, let alone the horrible schooling schedule.  I can't even do most jobs other people can do.  I still have a passion for medicine, though.  

     I have also cultivated my passion for writing.  I don't know which I like more anymore.  I face the difficulties every aspiring writer faces.  How do I get published?  Now that I'm self-published, how do I advertise?  Where do we make room for the money it takes to pay for editors, cover designers, advertising, etc.?  It's all very daunting.  On top of all of that, I have difficulty writing because my head is muddled most days either from meds or the disease.  I still struggle with self-doubt, and self-esteem issues.  And I'm trying to write a third book which ties the first two together nicely, but I haven't yet reconciled the two personalities within me, nor have I resolved which is winning.  The third book has Apoc and Cal on opposite sides of the same conflict, and one of them has to be declared a winner.  I have a lot of ideas as to how I want the story to play out, but because I've patterned the first two books after my own inner conflicts, I wanted to keep the same theme for the third.  The problem lies in the fact that my own issues have not been resolved.  As a result, I frequently have "writer's block".

     So this last week, as I've been contemplating what I want to do with my life over the next year, I've had a lot of ups and downs.  

     I want to continue to improve physically, and with my health, but I don't know what else I can do.  Doctors are happy that I've returned to as much normalcy as I have, but I'm not quite satisfied because I still miss out on so much. (I know I should be grateful for what I've regained, but I'm just running you through my thoughts and feelings here.)

     I want to progress with my writing, but finances, and that pesky writer's block have been getting in the way.

     I want to find a way to get back into the medical field, on the other side of the exam table, but my health is still a major issue.

     What I finally realized the last couple of days is that I'm trying to swallow the world whole.  It's too much to take in all at once.  I've done a lot of research on goal setting to share here on my blog, and I've learned that if you get overwhelmed, you need to break your goals down into steps.  That's what I'm hoping to do in 2015.  

     I want to finish book 3.  It's something I have control over.  If I finish writing it, I may have better perspective to adapt it to my life.  I have minimal control over the financial limitations to edit, design, and promote the book, but who knows, by the time I've finished writing it I may have made enough from the first two books to have it professionally edited and designed.  The one thing I can do is finish it.

     As far as the medical aspect of my life... I think I've come up with a solution for that, too.  I see a lot of sick people when I go in to the hospital.  I thought I might share some of my talent with them.  I read indie books every week, maybe I can read to them.  I love to write short stories, and have had fun writing with my daughter, so maybe I can write with the kids who need someone to take their minds off of their scary surroundings.  I haven't worked it all out yet, but I might be able to write a book with a child, and share the royalties with them to help with medical bills.  Children's books aren't my specialty, but even if they don't get published, I'm sure it will be good for the kids to do something besides sit in bed and watch T.V.  I did that for almost 5 years and I can say, with some authority, that it sucks.  T.V. gets very boring after a while.

     I just want my life to mean something again.  I need dreams.  I need a future.  Everybody does.  Goals are a big deal to me right now.